- an Ode to Lancaster University

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 2005,
use Sparknotes.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future,
Sparknotes would be it.
The long-term benefits of Sparknotes have been proven by my exam grades,
whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice now:

Enjoy the power and beauty of your first year,
oh never mind,
you will never understand the power and the beauty of your first year until the third.
But trust me, in two years,
you will look at the new selection of freshers and recall in a way you can't grasp now,
how much possibility lay before you and how little work you actually had to do.
Reading the full text is not as important as you imagine.
Don't worry about essay deadlines,
know that deadlines are only affective when the tutor's a fascist.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind.
The kind that blindside you by announcing that you're out of cash at 4 PM on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you, like washing up.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other peoples' genitals;
don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on firsts,
sometimes you're ahead,
sometimes you're behind,
the race is long and in the end,
it's only with yourself.
Remember the passes you receive,
forget the fails.
If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old condom wrappers;
throw away your unopened bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life.
Most of the people telling you what to do didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
most of them at 60 will still be telling other people what to do.
Get plenty of intoxicants.
Be kind to your kitchen reps,
you'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll get laid,
maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have countless strings of bitches,
maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll get drunk in the morning,
maybe you'll dance the "Funky Chicken" dressed as a pirate on a Thursday night.
Whatever you do,
don't buy half pints,
or buy them for anyone else either.
You need complete pints when you're drinking,
so does everybody else.
Enjoy your college.
Use it every way you can,
don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it.
It's the greatest opportunity for getting laid you'll ever know.

Dance.

Even if you're pressed up against fifty stinking, sweating students.
Don't read the directions,
you can do it on your own.
Do not read Scan Newspaper,
it will only lower your IQ.

Get to know your hallmates.
You never know when they'll drop out for good.
Be nice to your lecturers.
They are your best link to your future and the people most likely to know a substantial amount more than yourself.
Understand that partners come and go,
but a precious few, who should be treasured.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in short term memory and lifestyle,
for the more wasted you get,
the more time you'll need to recover.
Live in the Cartmel ghetto once,
but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in pretty Pendle once,
but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: beer prices will rise,
university bureaucrats will philander,
you too will get old and when you do,
you'll fantasise that when you were young,
beer cost 50p a pint,
the administration was noble and freshers respected third years.
Respect the third years.
Don't expect college loans to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund,
maybe you have wealthy parents,
but you'll never know when either one will run out.
Mess as much with your hair as you can or by the time you're forty,
it will look twelve.
Be careful whose alcohol you buy,
and be patient with those who supply it.
Alcohol is a form of fake nostalgia.
Drinking it is a way of rolling up reality,
painting over the ugly parts and pretending your life's amounted to more than it's worth.

But trust me on the Sparknotes.

- R. James Morgan